"Married To A..." will be a series focused on the lessons we've learned from being married to our spouses. Each spouse brings a different set of perspectives, passions, and preferences into a marriage. Sometimes these differences cause major clashes. Other times, they provide teachable moments that bring a couple closer together. For better or for worse, right?
To kick off the series, I'll be writing about the unexpected lessons I learned as an extrovert who is married to an introvert. My hope is that this will turn into a regular series of guest posts. But for now, here's my story!
My husband and I went to my hometown for New Years weekend and I had know idea it would be so jam packed with so many events. Saturday was dinner with some neighbors from the street we grew up on. Sunday was lunch with close friends of the family. And New Years Eve was a party thrown by more former neighbors I hadn't seen in years. It was shaping up to be quite the weekend and as excited as I was to catch up with people over the holidays, the first thought that came to my mind was, "How is the husband going to handle all of this?"
This comes as a surprise to many who meet him, but my husband is an introvert. I say that it comes as a surprise because I wouldn't characterize my husband as shy or quiet by any means. Dude can talk. Trust me. And around people he knows? He loves being the center of attention. With people he doesn't know? He can talk to pretty much anyone and is just a really nice guy.
So when he first told me that he was introvert, I didn't really believe him. If he wasn't shy or quiet and had decent social skills, than what exactly made him introverted? As it turns out, my perception of introverts was way off base. Yes, there are people who are painfully shy and socially awkward; I'm sure those people would self-define as introverts. But not all introverts fall into the extreme end of the spectrum.
There are introverts like my husband: talkative and friendly with a warm personality who actually get physically and emotionally exhausted from being around large groups of people, especially people they don't know. My husband gets tired from small talk, from introducing himself, from being around people he hasn't met. Sometimes the thought of going out overwhelms him. He loves being by himself. He would literally spend days by himself playing video games if I let him. Which I don't.
As a total extrovert to the core, I did not understand this at all. On any level. I hate being by myself. I appreciate alone time for a few hours here and there, but for the most part I would rather be around other people. I get energized by being in large groups. I feel reinvigorated after a night out with my girlfriends.
I feel like I didn't really understand the depths of my husband's introversion until we got married. I wondered why he didn't call his friends to hang out more often. I got annoyed when he was hesitant about going to one of my friend's parties. I was shocked when we hosted a party in our apartment and found him hiding out in our bedroom!
It was a challenge for my extroverted self to not put a negative judgment value on my husband's introverted ways. He isn't just making excuses. He really needs the time by himself in order to function, or else he will burn out. I can't take it personally if he doesn't want to go out or wants to be by himself. Getting used to my husband in full on introvert mode was difficult at first, but now I'm so used to it.
I make sure to give him a good chunk of time alone if I can sense he's been cranky or tired or overwhelmed. I don't bug him (as much!) to go out if he really doesn't feel like it. In the case of our New Years weekend, he was such a trooper and was super nice and charming to everyone he met. But New Years Day? I made sure he had plenty of time to himself to relax and recharge.
Being married to someone so completely opposite of me in this respect was more challenging than I would have thought. But it takes effort on both our parts to make sure that we are understanding and supportive of what the other person needs. As an extrovert, I know that I need to do my part to not make my husband feel guilty about the way he was wired. And I'm sure my husband has plenty of stories of how he has to care for his extrovert wife! But that's a blog post for another day.
Anyone else have some insights from the introvert-extrovert combination in your marriage? Anyone have a double introvert or extrovert combo in their relationship? What are some tips and strategies that you use to help support your introverted or extroverted spouse? Let me know in the comments!
Think you want to contribute to my "Married To A..." series? Email me: alyssa[at]allthingsbeautifulblog[dot]com.
Oh and check out this fun infographic I found on Rage Against the Minivan! Perfect for today's post right?
I love this idea! My husband and I are both introverts, but we're very different in social situations. He's an introvert the same way your husband is - amazing in large groups, the center of attention. I'm the socially awkward shy one that people sometimes mistake for rude. Either way, when we get home from those gatherings, we are both exhausted and can sit peacefully next to each other without talking for hours.
ReplyDeleteI think it's true that opposites attract. Seems pretty common to have one extrovert and one introvert in each relationship. Steve is definitely the extrovert- a.k.a. social butterfly- as I'm sure you remember from high school. Lol. I'm the introverted one.... I'll take a night on the couch at home over a party any day!
ReplyDeleteahhh! So glad I found your blog:) My husband and I are so passionate about justice as well! I love your heart for people and for each other! Go marriage, woo hoo!!! love Katie
ReplyDeletewww.hopeengaged.blogspot.com
Ah! Total role reversal! I am a total introvert and would sit at home all day reading blogs instead of going out and aggressively pursuing social situations. My husband is a hardcore extrovert who always needs to be surrounded by people! I have made a very conscious decision to let him call people up and be spontaneous about going out and about--because I don't want him to think I'm keeping him trapped at home in the apartment, just because I am a homebody :)
ReplyDeleteThis is me and my boyfriend. I'm definitely extroverted and he is most decidedly introverted. I remember the first time we went to a swing dance event together, I looked around about halfway through the event to realize that he'd disappeared! I went outside and he was just sitting there because he had felt drained! But he's also great in social situations, being an excellent co-host for several of my dinner parties. I've definitely been learning that sometimes I just need to let him have time to himself. Sometimes even time away from me, which is difficult because I would be with him pretty much all the time if I had the choice! But we're learning to work through the differences. If we get married it'll be interesting to see how living in the same space affects the dynamics.
ReplyDeleteI am forever an advocate of the introvert/extrovert conversation. My husband and I are actually both introverts of the "we've-learned-how-to-schmooze-effectively" variety. As a result we both have large circles of friends and are involved in a lot of activities but when we get home for the day we both want silence and alone-ness. The challenge is to actually spend time together AND communicating when we've had the energy sucked out of us by other people and situations. We try to practice "shoulder-to-shoulder" bonding - doing something quiet and somewhat solitary...but together. Like fishing. Or jogging (without talking).
ReplyDeleteLove this infographic! Understanding these differences in people is huge for relationships.
ReplyDeleteYes, glad to have another extrovert in the comments section! :)
ReplyDeleteI've definitely had to learn how to not take it personally when my husband needs alone time. But my husband has also had to learn that sometimes I just need him around me, even if we're not directly interacting. It's the give and take of being married!
Thanks for reading :)
The infographic was a perfect find! I think it does a really good job of explaining what introversion is and isn't. There's a lot of misconceptions about introverts!
ReplyDeleteThanks for stopping by!
Shoulder-to-shoulder bonding! Yes! This is something we've actually had to employ in our marriage. He gets quiet time, but as an extrovert, I just need to be around him sometimes and know that if I needed to, I could chat with him about something.
ReplyDeleteGreat insight!
I've noticed a lot of bloggers identify as introverts! That's good you are accommodating to your extrovert hubby when he needs it. Jon's really good about that too! It's nice to know I don't have to feel guilty when I go hang out with friends. :)
ReplyDeleteHaha yay marriage! :)
ReplyDeleteSo glad you found my blog, too! Thanks so much for reading and for your sweet comment!
I think it is nice to have a balance in the marriage. I've dated guys in the past who were also extroverts and it was pretty exhausting! And yes, it's no surprise that your hubby is the extrovert lol :)
ReplyDeleteThat's nice that you guys totally get each other when it comes to needing peace and quiet! That's interesting that your introversion plays out in different ways around people. That's why no one would ever think my hubby was an introvert...he loves attention and never stops talking around other people haha. But now I know it goes much deeper than that!
ReplyDeleteAs an introvert, I LUV this!
ReplyDeleteI'm glad! :)
ReplyDelete