grace for the journey

I remember talking to a former co-worker about different work styles. Some people are very organized and plan ahead. Others just like to dive in and don't set a rigid outline for their work. We both agreed we were in Group 2. I could never figure out why I wasn't a planner. Don't get me wrong: I am a Type-A control freak. I am future-oriented, but in a big picture way. So why wasn't I a planner? Why didn't I like to set goals for myself, professionally or otherwise?

Little did I know, my co-worker had already figured out the secret: "It's because I'm a perfectionist. I don't like setting goals because I'm afraid of failing."

The moments in our life where we become self-aware can be very profound and terrifying at the same time. With that one statement, my co-worker had unknowingly opened up a whole new world for me where I understood the root of my fears, hesitation, and doubt in a way I never had before. And I wasn't too happy about it. 

It makes me sad to look back and realize how many times I've stood in my own way. It makes me sad to think about how many things I could have accomplished if I wasn't so scared of failure. But that fear of trying something and then failing is very real for me. The shame I feel over failure affects me on a deep level. But I'm also ashamed that I didn't try things in the first place.  I'm in a lose-lose situation where I feel ashamed and guilty no matter what. 

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I guess technically you could say I dropped out of graduate school. In 2010 (Holy crap, has it been THAT long??) I started a graduate program to get my Master's Degree. I finished two quarters and then for a myriad of reasons I made the decision to stop going. But it was always with the intention that I would go back as soon as possible. Well, it's over two years later and going back to school is still not on my immediate to-do list. 

And I really do hate talking about it. Because deciding to leave graduate school was (and I'm not exaggerating) the hardest decision I have ever made in my adult life. Which college to go to? Easy decision. Should I marry this person? Even easier. Actively deciding to "fail" at something I worked very hard for? I cringe just thinking about it. 

And it's not really about school. It's about the fact that I put myself out there and I failed. Well, it feels like I failed. And for a perfectionist? Facing and admitting failure is just the worst. 

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It's exciting to see everyone making New Years Resolutions, but I realize that my perfectionism is the reason I've never really made any. Why should I even set a goal if there is a chance I won't achieve it? Of course I would want to avoid the feelings of shame and guilt that come from failure. I recently looked at my 30x30 list and was hit with a wave of anxiety. What if I don't finish these? Everyone will be able to see that I failed? If I'm not going to do them all, then why should I even do any?

I am a tireless perfectionist who is afraid of failure and of taking risks. I don't like saying sorry and I don't want to learn from my mistakes because I would have rather not made them in the first place. I don't forgive myself easily and I hold myself to an impossibly high standard. 

And I need to give myself some grace. 

I need grace for when I fail. I need grace for when I'm too afraid to fail. I need grace for when I take a risk. I need grace for when that risk doesn't pay off. I need grace for when I feel ashamed. I need grace for when I feel ashamed for feeling ashamed. 

I need grace for the journey. For the valleys and the dark times. I need to give myself grace for leaving grad school. I need to give myself grace when I am unloving towards my husband. I need to give myself grace when I've been a bad friend. I need to give myself grace that I'm not on the career path I want to be. 

Why? Because my perfectionism won't change the inevitable: I will fail. There is no way around it. And if I live in fear of failure, I run the risk of becoming paralyzed. I won't strive towards any goals or ambitions. I will become stagnant and complacent.

In Christ I have so much freedom and yet I bind myself with my inability to trust in Him. Because what I see as failure, God sees as an opportunity for me to grow. He uses my failure to steer my path in a different direction. But when I cling onto the allusion of perfectionism and fear, I'm the one that misses out. It's only a real failure if I don't learn anything from it. 

Sometimes it is easier to be gracious with others than it is to be gracious with ourselves. But we are children of the Most High. And God has wonderful things planned for each and every one of us. This year, I seek freedom from the fear of failure. I seek trust in God's design for my life. And above all, I seek grace. For others. For myself. For the journey.