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I
have been married for almost four whole months now. (So, obviously I’m
an expert on the topic.) I absolutely adore my husband. He is the only
person I’ve ever known who can make me laugh anytime.
I can be raging mad or dripping in tears and somehow he can get a smile
out of me. He has a tender, kind heart and a patience I admire. I love
him with every ounce of my being.
On our wedding day, we exchanged vows. We promised to love, honor, and respect each other; to be faithful, kind, and honest; to work together through tough times and rejoice together in the good. What we did not vow was to love each other unconditionally.
“Unconditional” All Around Us
Pop culture is filled with the phrase “unconditional love” and images of those perfect couples who don’t let anything stand in their way. Often, the most popular love stories, be it in books, movies, or on television, espouse the idea of unconditional love to their devoted fans.
Let’s take a quick look at some of today’s most popular novels being read by the masses, and the love the lead female characters claim to have for their main men:
First, Bella Swan from the Twilight saga describes her love for vampire Edward:
Pop culture is filled with the phrase “unconditional love” and images of those perfect couples who don’t let anything stand in their way. Often, the most popular love stories, be it in books, movies, or on television, espouse the idea of unconditional love to their devoted fans.
Let’s take a quick look at some of today’s most popular novels being read by the masses, and the love the lead female characters claim to have for their main men:
First, Bella Swan from the Twilight saga describes her love for vampire Edward:
About
three things I was absolutely positive. First, Edward was a vampire.
Second, there was a part of him, and I didn't know how dominant that
part might be, that thirsted for my blood. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.
Now, more recently, in the third book of the explicit, yet incredibly popular, Fifty Shades series, Ana makes these vows to new-husband Christian: “I promise to love you unconditionally, to support you in your goals and dreams, to honor and respect you…”
Sounds nice, doesn’t it? So, what’s the problem? The problem lies in the use of the word “unconditional;” I fear that taking this idea to heart could be setting the stage for some very unhealthy relationships.
What is Unconditional Love?
Unconditional literally means without conditions or limitations; absolute. Unconditional love is a love that is hard-wired; it cannot be changed, does not require reciprocation. It just is.
Unconditional love is the love we feel for our children. I’d say it’s the love that parents feel, but being an aunt, I can attest to the presence of unconditional love in an auntie’s heart, just as I’m sure it’s present in the heart of anyone with a special bond with a child. My niece does not have to earn my love; she had it the minute my brother-in-law carried her out of the delivery room and said, “She has Randi’s nose!” She is an innocent, precious creation who has my absolute love forever. I did not choose to love her; God chose her for me.
Romantic Love is Conditional
On the other hand, I choose to love my husband. We both chose, on our wedding day, to make vows to each other that we need to be held accountable to. Those vows are the conditions of our love.
I do not expect my husband to love me no matter what. I cannot break our wedding vows and assume he will love me anyway. Loyalty, honesty, respect, and faithfulness—without those basic conditions, the love, and in turn the marriage, can’t possibly sustain a healthy existence.
If we go into marriage thinking it is the joining of two lives in an unconditional love, we risk losing sight of what we have vowed to one another. Love and marriage take work, but why make a big effort if it doesn’t really matter what you do? Seems like a slippery slope to me.
In doing research on the topic, I found some online communities sharing articles on how to achieve unconditional love in your marriage. One article in particular stood out to me, and the gist of it was this: love your spouse no matter what they do. They suggested turning a blind eye to things that upset you, saying God wants you to. If you’re hurting, they say you should simply stop feeling hurt. Are you devastated because of a cheating husband? You should love him anyway. It promoted ignoring your own “selfish” feelings to keep the marriage in tact; essentially, don’t rock the boat, even if your spouse has already drilled holes in it.
Marital love isn’t supposed to be unconditional. It is supposed to be a choice, a commitment to do the very best you can to love your partner through thick and thin, for better or worse—as long as that commitment is mutual. Marriage is not a means of having built-in love no matter how much you screw up; it does not give you excuse to hurt your partner and still expect their love in return. In other words, the word “spouse” should never equal “doormat.”
If marital love was truly unconditional, why vow anything at all?
Agree? Disagree? I'd love to hear your opinions on this topic! Who do you love unconditionally? How do you feel about the idea of ‘unconditional’ love in marriage?
Randi
Riggs is an English teacher and freelance writer with a passion for
language, literature, education and travel. She enjoys swimming, biking,
camping and, despite her better judgement, the occasional trashy
romance novel. She
can be found blogging at Delightful Diction and tweeting @randiriggs4. You can read more from Randi at Yahoo! Contributor Network and ModernMom.
I really love this post!! When we are given the choice to love (i.e., "conditional love") it is much more meaningful, because it is something we CHOOSE, not something we are forced into.
ReplyDeleteThanks for reading, husband! :)
ReplyDeleteI agree -- I think love as a choice is an important message. While certainly not advocating divorce just because your spouse makes a mistake, we also shouldn't advocate that marriage means there are NO boundaries or limits. And that might look different for every couple. But I think if your spouse could literally do ANYTHING to you and you would stay with them no matter what then there might be a problem.
Well said! We certainly need to invest in our marriages, make all the effort we can to be the best partner we can be, and not run away the minute it gets tough. But there need to be limits. If not, marriage may be used as an excuse for some to continue to abuse, lie, cheat... and marriage may make the abused and cheated on feel like they cannot get out.
ReplyDeletethe word “spouse” should never equal “doormat.” .... AMEN! Whether husband or wife, bullying is not an option! It is imperative to check our actions--do they impact our spouse with love and respect? "Do unto others" comes to mind... does it not?
ReplyDeleteExactly. I think that's the most important aspect of your post, Randi. Letting people know they have a choice. A choice to love, most definitely. But also a choice to respect themselves and know when a line is being crossed.
ReplyDeleteYes, Staci. We all definitely need to "check ourselves" in our marriage. I read recently on another blog that it's important to step back and "take the temperature" in your marriage to make sure that both partners are on the same page and everything is healthy. This concept of unconditional love and irrational, romantic love can blind us to the true health of our relationships.
ReplyDeleteThanks for reading, Staci! "Do unto others" was definitely on my mind as I wrote this. Marriage should be about MUTUAL respect, love, and dedication to the relationship. "Bullying is NOT an option!" Love it.
ReplyDeleteI like the spirit behind this - the need to build a marriage of mutual respect and commitment and not one where we feel forced to accept things that are damaging and unhealthy.
ReplyDeleteBut I think I also understand "unconditional" slightly differently - it means promising that my love for you will not be conditional on what you do or don't do (as you said) but love, TRUE LOVE as God intended, will not stand for messed-up situations. True love will say, you are worth more than this so no I won't let you behave this way/say these things/treat me this way. True love sees beyond the faults and continues to love, but calls the person you love out from those destructive ways.
So (and I hope I am making sense and not rambling!) I think I could promise unconditional love to my husband, but still be able to say to him, these are the healthy boundaries we agree to for what this marriage will be. I will love you if you break them because that's part of the covenant I made with you, but I will also act to protect myself and our marriage if necessary.
...and long comment over ;) Love from Luxembourg x
I love this, Fiona. Thank you for sharing. Good point about the accountability that is part of true love. To truly love one another, we need to be able to call each other out on potentially destructive actions/behaviors. And a destructive action does not mean the love just stops. Marriages take work, and we should invest in, and love, our partner enough to want to work at it.
ReplyDeleteI like how you say, "I will also act to protect myself and our marriage." I think my fear with the term unconditional, is that one will lose his/her "self" in marriage if the unconditional relationship is unhealthy. With a partner who takes advantage of the "unconditional love" of their spouse, and the spouse allows it, there is a loss of "self." But then I guess that wouldn't be a relationship with True Love, would it?
Love the long comments ;) You made me think!
I still do have a hard time with the idea of completely unconditional love in a marriage, though, because I keep coming back to the vows.
ReplyDelete